This was going to be a reply to a comment, but then it turned into a blog. Thank you Debbi for inspiring me.
“You know, I don’t care how much someone “talks up being fat and proud of it” there’s not a one of us who doesn’t dream of just losing it all, but I also know that not a one of us are prepared for the reality. I read with interest what you said about having to re-learn moving again and Sara says the same in her book. One WLS woman came to her because she had lost the weight, but was drinking more. Why? To psyche herself up for sex with her husband … because it was so different for her now!”
Debbi – Great point. Thank you so much for the comment. What came to mind when I read your comment was the phrase “Automatic Yes Girl”. I’ll explain in more detail, but first I want to tell you about my dieting mindset in the past.
Every time I’d diet, I had success each time I lost weight. But my brain/body connection wasn’t switched on, and I hadn’t found my own reason for wanting this. I was losing weight because I thought I was supposed to look a certain way and for a list of other reasons that really weren’t my own. Sometimes I’d say yes to things too quickly in many areas of my life. Now I’ve slowed things down for a beat to see if I really want to say yes to the request. It’s a lot different when that very physical boundary of the body is changed. My bigger body kept people at bay, and I liked that control. Now that I’m smaller, I’m feeling more open, confident, and approachable. That’s reflecting in the way I interact, dress, walk…etc. As a result more people are engaging with me too. Thoughts like, “Hey Now! This is weird. Am I OK with this?” go through my head now.
One friend summed it up like this: she cleverly called my fat a “bullshit barometer” meaning, if people were willing to look beyond physical appearance – they must really want to get to know me. Hmmm. Interesting theory. It was easy and it worked well.
Now I get to use my words instead of the physical shield of my body as a boundary. Learning to pause, be aware, and consider if I want to do something or interact with someone – even my partner Chris – is a new skill I’m learning.
Truthfully, I worry if I’m being mean because of the contrast to what I used to be. My normal setting was to be totally open like a big huge gate or 24 hour convenience store. Now it’s OK if the store closes sometime.
Doing things that I genuinely want to do instead of doing them to be liked or so I won’t upset people is a whole new territory to navigate. There’s a learning curve, but it’s becoming less awkward each time I do it.
